Why Family Reunions at Fred’s Ranch Matter

19/11/2017 - 08:14

We live through the week for Friday. The town stays awake every day for Friday. While good people wait for the weekend to visit their grandmothers, go to church, clean their fridge and do yoga, Kenyans wait for the weekend so they can dance like clowns in the clubs, dodge the Alco-blow, steal a girlfriend or two and crawl home, somehow.

Then, since the devil arrives on Monday, your alarm clock rings just minutes after you sleep. You walk with that hangover to the mirror and just feel sorry for yourself. Monday is already bad, and here is how not to make it worse.

  1. Don’t cross the roads before a Vitz

A tour in Nairobi will teach you that the lesser the torque of a car, the faster the driver wants to move. With this in mind, look out for the slouchy 120Nm@rpm wheels and allow them to pass before you cross a road. Otherwise, someone will hoot at you, scream their name in your ears, call you an idiot in the middle of the street, raise the middle finger at you and call lightning to break your legs. By the time you get to work, you’ll have lost your mind, your tie will be tightening on your neck, and your stomach will be bloated. You don’t need that. Just let the small things have their way.

  1. Don’t sing in the shower

Now, I don’t know why everybody thinks they sound like Oliver Mtukudzi when they get in the shower. The shower is where the devil bathes, too, and he will always try to trick you into a chorus. You sang it in 2007 in the school choir, and it makes you feel patriotic. This chorus proceeds to play on your lips as you get dressed and ready for work. By the time you leave, your wife has an ear infection, the house girl has tonsillitis, and your kid is crying because she heard a ghost whistle a tune. Please, it is Monday for Christ’s sake.  

  1. Don’t lose your wig

Ladies, you don’t want to raise panic in your neighborhood when you walk out without that thing on your head. We respect the fact that you have tried eighty types of hair food oils and a million shampoos but you still remain with several hairs that slip away from your hairband. In return, you have the responsibility of cushioning our hearts from the shock of the sight your real head. Please understand that the cost of treatment for heart attacks is much higher than the cost of your Brazilian hair. Just wear the damned thing.                                                                                                                                                                                      

  1. Skip Monday breakfast

So, you have been out of the place, hopping clubs and jumping fences. You picked a fight in the club and they rewarded you with a beautiful bruise. The reminder of your brave cowardice. Your body wants to give up, but you have a kid to feed and diapers to buy. Load a few tons of water and fruits in your bag, and nibble at a whole grain. This should help your body get back into the production mood. That way you can forget about how much money you spent away, and pray that that loan you applied comes through to save your face, life too.

  1. Get to work late

When you get late on a Monday, your boss will not listen to your ‘dog ate my alarm ‘kind of excuses. In fact, he will not have the time to listen to you whine about your wearing the wrong shoes and going back home to change them. If you get late on a Monday, your sacking will be Trumpeted across the floors of your office building, and your boss’ ugly face is the last thing you will remember of that place.



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