Why Family Reunions at Fred’s Ranch Matter

19/11/2017 - 08:14

We live through the week for Friday. The town stays awake every day for Friday. While good people wait for the weekend to visit their grandmothers, go to church, clean their fridge and do yoga, Kenyans wait for the weekend so they can dance like clowns in the clubs, dodge the Alco-blow, steal a girlfriend or two and crawl home, somehow.

Then, since the devil arrives on Monday, your alarm clock rings just minutes after you sleep. You walk with that hangover to the mirror and just feel sorry for yourself. Monday is already bad, and here is how not to make it worse.

  1. Don’t cross the roads before a Vitz

A tour in Nairobi will teach you that the lesser the torque of a car, the faster the driver wants to move. With this in mind, look out for the slouchy 120Nm@rpm wheels and allow them to pass before you cross a road. Otherwise, someone will hoot at you, scream their name in your ears, call you an idiot in the middle of the street, raise the middle finger at you and call lightning to break your legs. By the time you get to work, you’ll have lost your mind, your tie will be tightening on your neck, and your stomach will be bloated. You don’t need that. Just let the small things have their way.

  1. Don’t sing in the shower

Now, I don’t know why everybody thinks they sound like Oliver Mtukudzi when they get in the shower. The shower is where the devil bathes, too, and he will always try to trick you into a chorus. You sang it in 2007 in the school choir, and it makes you feel patriotic. This chorus proceeds to play on your lips as you get dressed and ready for work. By the time you leave, your wife has an ear infection, the house girl has tonsillitis, and your kid is crying because she heard a ghost whistle a tune. Please, it is Monday for Christ’s sake.  

  1. Don’t lose your wig

Ladies, you don’t want to raise panic in your neighborhood when you walk out without that thing on your head. We respect the fact that you have tried eighty types of hair food oils and a million shampoos but you still remain with several hairs that slip away from your hairband. In return, you have the responsibility of cushioning our hearts from the shock of the sight your real head. Please understand that the cost of treatment for heart attacks is much higher than the cost of your Brazilian hair. Just wear the damned thing.                                                                                                                                                                                      

  1. Skip Monday breakfast

So, you have been out of the place, hopping clubs and jumping fences. You picked a fight in the club and they rewarded you with a beautiful bruise. The reminder of your brave cowardice. Your body wants to give up, but you have a kid to feed and diapers to buy. Load a few tons of water and fruits in your bag, and nibble at a whole grain. This should help your body get back into the production mood. That way you can forget about how much money you spent away, and pray that that loan you applied comes through to save your face, life too.

  1. Get to work late

When you get late on a Monday, your boss will not listen to your ‘dog ate my alarm ‘kind of excuses. In fact, he will not have the time to listen to you whine about your wearing the wrong shoes and going back home to change them. If you get late on a Monday, your sacking will be Trumpeted across the floors of your office building, and your boss’ ugly face is the last thing you will remember of that place.



  • Comment Link j crew aquatic floral silk dress j crew aquatic floral silk dress 22 August 2019

    river island pink floral dress cute flower maxi dresses flower girl dresses with cowboy boots juniors formal floral dresses under 100 kaliko floral print dress purple multi floral shift dress size 22
    j crew aquatic floral silk dress

  • Comment Link floral dress porcelain dolls floral dress porcelain dolls 22 August 2019

    alice and olivia black and white floral dress ladies floral dress sandals elie tahari floral dresses floral dresses american eagle black floral dress with short sleeves floral maxi dress pinterest
    floral dress porcelain dolls

  • Comment Link old navy floral shift dress old navy floral shift dress 22 August 2019

    h and m floral maxi dress closet v back floral dress blue floral bridesmaid dress uk little marc jacobs floral dress flower prom dress tumblr light pink floral lace dress
    old navy floral shift dress

  • Comment Link missguided floral dress missguided floral dress 22 August 2019

    next oasis floral dress romantic 3d floral dress red floral print hawaiian dress navy floral dress maxi zara black dress lace sleeves gucci green floral dress
    missguided floral dress

  • Comment Link white and black floral dresses white and black floral dresses 22 August 2019

    red valentino floral flared dress motherhood maternity sleeveless floral print dress floral skater dress white long floral dress with jacket kim kardashian floral dress couch miss selfridge red floral dress
    white and black floral dresses

  • Comment Link floral dress black red floral dress black red 22 August 2019

    sims 3 floral dresses flower dresses canada red herring floral shift dress vintage blue floral dresses asos floral blue dress floral dress hollister
    floral dress black red

  • Comment Link jovani summer floral dress jovani summer floral dress 22 August 2019

    cheap flower girl dresses in uk is it ok to wear a floral dress to a funeral suno floral cutout dress red herring cream floral prom dress jenny packham yellow floral dress kate navy floral dress maxi
    jovani summer floral dress

  • Comment Link floral dress girls floral dress girls 22 August 2019

    adele red floral dress floral print evening dresses debenhams yumi floral dress floral print evening dresses floral lace dress ebay asos floral dress black
    floral dress girls

  • Comment Link floral silk dress fabric uk floral silk dress fabric uk 22 August 2019

    dorothy perkins black and white floral dress mens floral print dress shirts floral halter backless dress floral v neck skater dress simply vera wang floral shift dress floral lace flare dress loft
    floral silk dress fabric uk

  • Comment Link floral swing jacket dress floral swing jacket dress 22 August 2019

    womens floral summer dresses uk floral dress banana republic ebay girl flower dress images of floral print dresses floral dress outfit ideas floral maxi dress on pinterest
    floral swing jacket dress

Leave a comment

Make sure you enter all the required information, indicated by an asterisk (*). HTML code is not allowed.

Editors Picks